Why am I so obsessed with love when I have never been in love?
I’ve never experienced love in its romantic form. Or perhaps because the closest I’ve ever come to love is the endless stream of rom coms I indulge myself with. Except, here’s the thing, I don’t believe in anything the rom coms say because its never happened. If I lived according to a rom coms idea of what love is then I am short of a childhood crush turned into pre-adolescent relationship, a cute first love that sticks with me forever and an epic love story that ends horribly but ultimately helps me find myself. I have never experienced any of those things. So why am I still obsessed with the idea of love? Its not that I’m necessarily waiting here for my perfect person to pop up and sweep me off my feet, because as we have established – that will never happen.
I think were so obsessed with love because in all of us, no matter where or who we are we all have felt it. Whether that be in a romantic relationship, with friends, family, brief moments, or jus anything. As much as we divide ourselves, we can’t separate the fact that human beings were made to love. We love because its inherent in us – its in our genes, our instincts, our way of existing, our way of surviving this horrible world. Love is always there and has always been there. Through the worse of anything in our lives, what keeps us going? Love.
I think a part of me acknowledges how inherent and essential love is to the human experience. We all want to be loved, to be seen and to give love. But another part of me, this part of me created by society that wants someone to just see me. I want someone to know me better than myself. I want someone to feel butterflies even after they see me for the millionth time. I want someone to go through this shit hell of a life. I want someone to just get me and know how I am, and never ever try to change me. What I have come to discover is I want all these things because I never understood that the only person who can fulfill those needs for me, is me.
There’s a part of me that wants to be seen by myself. I want to get excited by my own mind, ideas and passions. I want to find my inner strength and lean on it to get myself through this shit life. I want to accept myself for who I am and not pick apart everything about myself. What we seek in others is really what we seek in ourselves. We are so obsessed with the idea of love because we haven’t figured out how to give it to ourselves. As much as the concept of self-love is something I preach, its not something I act on.
The love I have been searching for isn’t supposed to come from other people – its supposed to come from me. I am meant to love who I am. I am meant to see who I am and stand up for her. I am meant to thrive and to be happy with who I am. I am meant to accept who I am. Self-love isn’t about candles and the face masks, although I love those things, but they aren’t self-love.
Self-love is working through all the shit that we have distracted ourselves from facing. Self-love is accepting the body we have and admiring what it can do for us. Self- love is stepping into the best version of ourselves for our own sake. Self-love is accepting our quirks, our aches, our truths and our past. Self-love is accepting where we are but actively working to get where we want to go, not where society thinks we should go.
We are obsessed with the idea of love because we have never given ourselves the chance to love ourselves. We have never taken the time to practice self-love and to truly learn what it means to love who we are. Self-love will look differently for everyone, but I think it’s time we start loving who we are and start filling in those gaps that truthfully will never get filled by another person. Its time for that to change – here’s to a lifetime of self-love.